Lyons Proposes Elimination Of Actual Baseball

After spending the past three years introducing incomprehensible rule proposals to the ICA, Walden Warriors owner Tom Lyons has made his most daring proposal to date: eliminating actual baseball from the fantasy baseball world.

Lyons' proposal, which is a 414-page book complete with graphs, flow charts and illustrations, would drastically reshape the ICA. While nobody besides Lyons fully understands the concept, it apparently involves something along the lines of doing away with worrying about the outcomes of actual Major League games, instead determining winners and losers based on predictions made by Bill James combined with the accuracy of that year's Farmer's Almanack.

For example, a player with a HPS/QTEA+Ebitda Rating of 125 and a OPS-ASQ WTF Score of 18 would be worth 915 points if the Farmer's Almanack correctly predicts the September rainfall within 20%. However, that same player's score would fall to 872 if the average corn yield is less than 80% of the expected harvest.

Changes would also be made to the annual draft. Under the proposal, owners would have the right to acquire any player they want, but would have to sacrifice a later round draft pick based on each player's Superba Number. The Superba Number is computed by multiplying the player's Win Shares by his LMFAO percentile, not including his HBP, divided by the number of credits he finished in college. The Superba Number is then put into an envelope and mailed to a designated contact in Kuala Lumpur, who opens it and announces it in the lobby of the Petronas Towers. If anyone in the lobby at the time of the announcement has the Superba Number on his or her driver's license, then the owner in question must give up a pick within the first three rounds, depending on the drafted player's Free Agency Rating. If the Superba Number is not a match, the owner loses a mid-round pick in two of the next seven drafts, depending on order of finish.

"I've talked to some of the other owners about my proposal, and I've gotten lukewarm reaction," said Lyons, who was having coffee with Red Sox first baseman Kevin Youkilis. "I don't know what their problem is. It's a simple enough proposal, and it will surely enhance the quality of the league."