Sox denounce newest acquistion

In an unusual move, the VP Golden Sox have issued a statement denouncing their newest acquisition, free agent slugger Barry Bonds.

"In signing Bonds, the Golden Sox in no way endorse this lying sack of shit as being worthy to put on a Sox jersey," owner Adam Kirby said. "We don't even really want him to do well. But, hell, we needed more walks, and we knew this assclown would probably deliver them.

"We kind of hope he gets indicted soon, so we can release him again and mock him mercilessly. But as long as he's still racking up numbers, we're willing to look the other way in pursuit of Fuggin Cup glory."

Other ICA owners criticized the Sox for sacrificing ethics by picking up a known cheater.

"The American Giants have a team policy barring steroid users from our squad," said Giants owner Jason Smith. "A pox on the Golden Sox!"

Replied Kirby: "Dude, have you ever seen The American Giants' record? I think a ficus plant would have a more successful franchise.

"But, yeah. Bonds is a piece of shit."

The ICA's best kept secret -- REVEALED!

"Hello. My name is Nick Johnson. I'm really good at hitting baseballs, and I'm a human walking machine."

Stars cashing it in?

With today's trade of red-hot Paul Konerko to the Renegades for a third-round draft choice, manager Steve Weiland is apparently conceding what many league experts have been saying since the end of last season.

The Outlaw Stars just aren't that good.

Fellow managers Tom Lyons and Adam Kirby picked Weiland's Stars to finish in 7th and 6th place, respectively, in their preseason predictions, and through 2 1/2 weeks of the ICA season, those predictions would appear to be on target. The Stars are currently in 8th place, at 14-21-1, and are in danger of dropping yet another contest this week to DaFaze.

The Stars have already abandoned their preseason slogan, "You'd better bring your A game," following whippings from both expansion franchises -- neither of which particularly brought its A game. The Stars are a sinking ship.

On the Konerko trade, Weiland sounded like a manager who knew his team had hit a downward slope.

"With Konerko going to be up for free agency at the end of the year, we felt we had to get some value for our all-star first baseman," he said. "This will certaintly build for the future."

Given Konerko's history of extreme streakiness -- and perhaps more importantly, his status as a mandatory-release player -- the trade was a wise one for the Stars.

But it undoubtedly sends a disappointing message to Stars fans, who had hoped the ICA's most historically consistent franchise wouldn't ever experience the bitter taste of rebuilding.

2006, Pick 2 overall

"Hello. My name is Travis Hafner. I'm really good at hitting baseballs."